Java Versus Sex

Posted February 17, 1999 at 1:58 am 3 Comments

Lately I’ve been reading the CS Undergraduate Discussion Bulletin Board, where Mike Schuresko suggested (jokingly, of course) that Carnegie Mellon combine two of its most popular annual informational events, “Sex Week” and “Java Day“.  That idea got me thinking: why should sex be in the spotlight for an entire week while Java receives only one day of attention?   Somebody somewhere must have decided that sex is better than Java, but personally I’m not so convinced.  Let’s run through a quick feature-by-feature comparison: Java Versus Sex.

Feature

Java

Sex

Object-Oriented

Yes

Sometimes

Protected-Mode
Execution
Yes Specialized hardware
required
Safe Yes No
Strongly Typed
Execution Semantics
Yes Yes
Rigid Syntax
Specifications
Yes No
Multithreading
Capabilities
Yes Limited
Support for
Input/Output Streams
Yes Yes
Architecture Neutral Yes No; size matters
Platform
Independent
Yes Only if you’re
strong enough
Public and Private
Methods
Yes Public methods
illegal
Robustness Sophisticated null pointer
exception handling
Viagra
Availability Can be downloaded
for free from
http://www.javasoft.com
Difficult to obtain

It’s clear that the contest between sex and Java is very close, but ultimately Java comes out ahead.  I think that it boils down to a security issue: while running a Java applet incurs no risk of corrupting your system with viruses or spawning illegitimate child processes, sex offers no such guarantees.  Another consideration is that when you’re putting together your resumé, writing “Java programming: 2 years experience” looks better than writing “Sex: 2 years experience.”

You may not agree with my comparison, but I don’t mind.  After all, my opinions may be biased by the fact that I can get Java.  If your Friday nights are spent procreating rather than instantiating, at least consider using some Java-inspired pick-up lines like “Hey baby, wanna import my package?  It’s dynamically extensible.”

3 Comments »

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  1. I am currently a high school senior taking Advanced Placement Computer Science ( taught in Java ), and I have one thing to say:

    System.out.println (” YOU ARE MY HERO “);

    Comment by Jake Vincents — March 3, 2006 #

  2. Simplified comparison… But truly hilarious! :D

    Comment by Johan — March 3, 2006 #

  3. What about
    “‘Quick & Dirty’ possible?” Yes-Yes
    “Debugger available?” Yes-No
    ‘IDE': “Eclipse: Free” “Club X: expensive”
    Professionals available: “Yes, expensive” – “Yes, even more expensive”
    Compile time: “seconds to hours” – “9 months”
    Strings: “Yes” – “Take them off 1st”

    Would be great if you add the ones you like to your list.

    Comment by BlaMa — March 6, 2006 #

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