Great Race

Posted September 27, 1998 at 9:00 am No Comments

Today I was racer number 10,736 in the Great Race.  I’m kind of proud of that, since it takes some dedicated slacking to be assigned that high a number.  I didn’t register until 4:30 PM on the day before the race, and the registration booth closed at 5:00.  As we stood at the starting line I saw everyone looking at my high number and I knew that they were thinking, “man, that guy must be a huge slacker.”

Anyway, I’m not going to bother talking about the race, because it would be boring, and I’ve already wasted your time talking about races in two other updates this month.   Instead, I’d like to share with you some of Ethan’s ideas for “Extreme Races”:

  • The Great Smoking Race
    This is like the Great Race, except that you are required to smoke while you run.   There are two options, a 5K and a 10K.  In the 10K race you have to smoke two packs of cigarettes before you are allowed to finish; in the 5K you only need to smoke one pack.
  • The Substance Abuse Triathlon
    This special triathlon has three stages.  In the first stage, you swim 1000 meters, taking a deep bong hit after every two laps in the swimming pool.  In the second stage, you ride four loops on a four-mile bicycle course.  At the halfway point of each loop, you shout your drink order to a race official, who relays the information to the race bartender at the end of the loop.  As you pass by the line at the end of the loop, you grab the cocktail you ordered from the bartender and drink it while continuing to ride.  To prevent spilling, the bartender would mix of the drinks in plastic water bottles.  Finally, in the third stage, you run five kilometers while smoking a pack of cigarettes, just as in the Great Smoking Race.
  • Super Stretch-A-Thon
    Before a race starts, the racers are typically standing near the starting line and stretching.  The idea behind this competition would be to intimidate all of your competitors by showing them that you are familiar with more stretches than they are.   This may involve inventing innovative new stretches, such as the “upside-down leg-behind-head backwards arm circles” or the “two-person squatting crossed-arm ankle extension”.  This competition ends when one racer has scared off all of the other racers with his superior stretching ability.

No Comments yet »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment

XHTML: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

Powered by WordPress with Pool theme design by Borja Fernandez.
Entries and comments feeds.