Episode I

Posted May 19, 1999 at 2:08 am 1 Comment

Star Wars fans can be a rowdy bunch.  When the nervous theater personnel finally opened the outer doors to Waterworks Cinema last night, the massive crowd surged forth in a hysteric frenzy of pushing and shoving.  I suppose that it was only to be expected; after hours and hours of waiting in line, nobody wanted any more delays.  The official showtime was 12:01 AM, and the fans refused to tolerate a 12:02 AM show.

After a great deal of jostling and elbow-dodging, we finally made it through the inner doors and into the theater, where we found some empty seats. Much to our dismay (and the dismay of the fans around us), we discovered that the movie would not start immediately.  Apparently a local radio station had made some sort of promotional deal with the theater, and as a result, a disc jockey was standing in front of the movie screen next to a banner reading 105.9 The X.  Armed with a large microphone, the DJ was spouting a barrage of typically inane DJ banter intended to psyche up a crowd that could not possibly become any more enthusiastic.

I’m here broadcasting live at the very first Pittsburgh screening of The Phantom Menace, and boy, does the crowd look pumped!
(pointing microphone at crowd)
Are you excited or what guys?

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
Yeah, maybe if you shut up and sit down they can start the movie!

Heh heh, yes, they certainly do sound excited!  Now it’s time for the costume contest!

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
We don’t want any damn contest!  Start the movie already!

DJ: (pretending not to notice the comments)
Hey you, dressed like Qui-Gon — come up here so we can get a look at you!
(An extremely fat man dressed in a Jedi robe approaches the front of the theater, carrying a green lightsaber.)

What do you think, everyone?  Lookin’ good!

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
Lookin’ FAT.

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
WAY too fat for Qui-Gon.

(The Qui-Gon impersonator attempts to twirl his lightsaber.)

He’s certainly got the moves!

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
He’s certainly got the FAT!

All right, great job Qui-Gon!  You can sit down now.  So are you guys ready for some Star Wars?

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
Why else do you think I was waiting outside in the rain for seven hours?

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
Shut up!  Shut the fuck UP, fatass!

DJ: (becoming rather nervous)
Ha ha, they really do sound excited.  You know guys, the critics didn’t seem to like this movie, but screw the critics, you know?

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
Screw you, you know?
(The crowd cheers loudly.)

So did you guys remember to pee?  It’s a long movie, after all!

Rowdy Member of Crowd:
How about I piss on YOU if you don’t shut the fuck up?

Let’s roll the movie!  And remember to listen to 105.9 The X!

(As the DJ leaves the front of the theater, a fan rips down the 105.9 banner, eliciting thunderous applause from the crowd.)

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  1. It’s still fucking funny, eight years later.

    Comment by Simon — August 15, 2007 #

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