Beverages
| I really like beverages. Maybe even more than I like food. True, you
can't really eat a beverage, but then again you can't really drink food
either. Beverages offer many of the advantages of food, including:
- Calories
- Appetite Satisfaction
- Vitamin C
while avoiding many of the disadvantages, such as:
- Need for Silverware
- Crusts
- Skin / Shells to Remove
- Lengthy Preparation Time
In addition, beverages offer many features that most food cannot:
- Consumption Using Curly or Flexible Straws
- Carbonation
- Thirst Quenching Ability
- Icy Coldness
|
 The best part of our trip to New York:
Dual-Flavor Slurpees. |
For several years now, I have been on the quest for the ideal beverage. In this
section, I'll rate some of the candidates based on certain attributes, either desirable or
undesirable. Each beverage will receive an indexed rating for each category ranging
from one to ten points. Using these ratings, I'll compute an overall
"Drinkability Rating" for each beverage, enabling me to rank the final results.
Beverage |
Taste
Index |
Caffeine
Index |
Health
Index |
Vomit
Index |
Coldness
Index |
Thirst
Quenching
Index |
Fun
Index |
| Ice
Water |
4 |
0 |
10 |
0 |
8 |
10 |
2 |
| Orange
Juice |
5 |
0 |
9 |
0 |
6 |
7 |
2 |
| Mountain
Dew |
6 |
6 |
1 |
1 |
5 |
2 |
2 |
| Coffee |
2 |
10 |
1 |
2 |
0 |
0 |
3 |
| Mountain
Dew Slurpees |
7 |
6 |
1 |
0 |
10 |
2 |
5 |
| Jolt
Cola |
4 |
8 |
1 |
1 |
6 |
1 |
4 |
| Vodka-Berry
Slurpees |
4 |
0 |
0 |
10 |
9 |
1 |
3 |
| Coca-Cola
Slurpees |
8 |
4 |
1 |
1 |
10 |
2 |
5 |
| Frozen
Margaritas |
5 |
0 |
0 |
3 |
9 |
2 |
10 |
| Goldschlager |
0 |
0 |
0 |
10 |
3 |
1 |
0 |
Here are the findings, ranked by overall "Drinkability Rating":
Beverage |
Drinkability
Rating
out of 100 % |
Final
Ranking |
| Ice
Water |
100 |
1 |
| Mountain
Dew Slurpees |
92.5 |
2 |
| Orange
Juice |
87.5 |
3 |
| Coca-Cola
Slurpees |
87.5 |
4 |
| Frozen
Margaritas |
72.5 |
5 |
| Jolt
Cola |
70 |
6 |
| Mountain
Dew |
67.5 |
7 |
| Coffee |
50 |
8 |
| Vodka-Berry
Slurpees |
32.5 |
9 |
| Goldschlager |
0 |
10 |
Surprisingly, or perhaps not so surprisingly, good old ice water tops off the rankings.
It's been around for longer than any of the other beverages, and it looks like it's
here to stay. It must be that delicious ratio of two hydrogen atoms to one oxygen
atoms that just keeps you wanting more.
Mountain Dew Slurpees come in a close second, with an overall Drinkability Rating of
92.5%. With that bright green color and sharp sweet taste, not to mention 55
milligrams of caffeine per 8-ounce serving and a delicious frozen consistency, the
Mountain Dew Slurpee is definitely a beverage to contend with. If only its
availability were not so limited!
Orange juice, a classic favorite, also fared quite well. Sweet, refreshing, and
packing 120% of the US Recommended Daily Allowance of Vitamin C per serving, orange juice
is sure to remain a beverage for the ages.
Goldschlager, the only truly non-drinkable beverage, came in dead last. I'm left
wondering who enjoys the painful bite of an 88-proof alcoholic beverage, combined
with the sickeningly sweet taste of cinnamon in a gooey muck floating with flakes of gold.