Freeway Elephants
You know what would be cool? Big friendly elephants on the side of the highway. The elephants would have lots of fresh fruit, and they would be specially trained so that whenever a car drove by with a brightly colored “E” flag attached to the antenna, they would toss some fruit at the car. Here’s a picture:
This is my plan for fruit-tossing trained highway assistance elephants.
See, whenever you were driving along the interstate and suddenly felt hungry, you could simply take your “E” flag out of the glove compartment and Velcro it onto the antenna. Then you could roll down the car windows and before you knew it you’d have a nice healthy snack. Obviously, it would help to have a passenger in the car with you to catch the fruit; that way you could concentrate on driving. So this plan definitely encourages carpooling.
Satan Baby
| Do you remember the huge “Dancing Baby” craze that occurred a couple of years ago? Well if you thought that that was big, wait until the “Satanic Baby” craze takes off!That’s right, the Satanic Baby! Smiling a cute baby smile, he wiggles his chubby little arms and exclaims “I am the spawn of Satan! Fear my wrath!” in a harsh demonic rasp.
Jason and Stephanie built the Satan Baby and put him in our lab. If you want to build your own Satan Baby, just follow the instructions below. |
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Step 1:Start with a “Baby Tub O’ Love”.
This adorable little rubber doll is available at your local Toys ‘R Us. |
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Step 2:Go to the hardware store and purchase a string of red Christmas lights. |
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Step 3:Remove the doll’s head. Stuff the string of bulbs inside the head and body of the doll. |
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Step 4:Put the head back on and plug in the lights. Congratulations! Your Satanic Baby is now complete! |
| Satanic Baby is tons of fun to play with. I like to spin his head all the way around and make him say cute things like “I will engulf your soul in a black inferno of death and despair!” and “Bow to the whims of my master Beelzebub or you will suffer eternal torment such as no mortal has experienced!”For added enjoyment, add a blinker bulb to the series of lights to make portions of Satanic Baby blink rhythmically. |
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A Star Wars Mystery
| Poor George Lucas. He may make millions of dollars selling action figures and t-shirts, but unlike other movie directors, he’ll never be able to make a cent through product placement deals. Sometimes I imagine how funny it would be be if he decided to sell out entirely, and in the next Star Wars installment we watched Anakin Skywalker sipping Pepsi during his lightsaber training and Obi-Wan extolling the virtues of his new Nike brand athletic footwear while lunching at the Tatooine branch Taco Bell. Although Lucas has never gone quite that far, I certainly wouldn’t classify his merchandising policies as tactfully restrained. Consider, for instance, the recent series of Frito-Lay magazine ads featuring the slogan “Even Queen Amidala can’t resist Lay’s potato chips.” |
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Pepsi’s aggressive tie-in campaign exhibits a series of 24 collectible aluminum cans, each featuring a different character from The Phantom Menace. These cans interest me, not for the pictures, but the tiny, barely noticeable words that are mysteriously printed on each can without explanation. I’m assuming that when the words from all 24 cans are assembled, they form a sentence. I’m curious as to what this sentence might be, but there’s no way I could purchase enough Pepsi products to find all 24 words. That’s where you come in. Do you have a collector can lying around? Add a word to the nifty new automatic Star Wars / Pepsi Mystery Database! |
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